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Transformers (Michael Bay 2007)

Posted on September 20 at 20.59, 2007 by Eric Mahleb

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transformersSo here I am, at this party in the Hollywood Hills, hanging out with my loser screenplay writer friend, when Michael Bay walks in with a girl around each arm. Out of all the parties in LA, Michael Bay has to walk into mine. Determined not to let it get to me, I undertake a precise and thorough strategy of avoidance, which works for most of the evening, until another loser friend of mine, this time a Foley operator, who mysteriously appears to know Bay, decides to introduce me to this evilest of all evil directors. Doing my best to hide my repulsion, I reluctantly shake the man’s hand and immediately start to feel nauseous all over, as if I had just put on the ring to rule them all, and had acquired the ability to see the darkness and shadows around me, or in this case, in front of me. And, clearly wanting my death, some guy who evidently exists on a different cinematic plane than I, barges in and exclaims some idiocy along the lines of ‘loved your Transformers Michael’, which naturally brings me closer to regurgitating my Shirataki noodles dinner. Not that I would mind plastering Michael Bay with some no-carb, no-fat vomit, but even Themis, the Greek Goddess of Justice, is not on my side this evening, and I must try to take consolation in the belief that, while slightly more successful than me, Michael Bay remains a cinematic barbarian with no appreciation of cinema as an art.

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4 Responses to “Transformers”

  1. Jon Ramster Says:
    September 26, 2007 at 22.44

    A few thoughts about this film:

    1) The action scenes are impossible to follow, and surely they are the whole point.

    2) The scene where the robots are outside the house and trying not to be seen by the parents seems to go on for hours. It is terrible.

    3) The whole idea of the car allowing the hero to win the object of his affection is revolting.

    4) Big robots are cool. Throw in a huge budget and surely nothing could go wrong?

    5) Transformers were some poorly made toys from twenty years ago. The television series was badly made, cheap shit. The film was little better. Why does anyone care? What’s next, a He-Man film? Oh…

  2. I am Legend - Quiet Please - Film reviews by Eric Mahleb Says:
    February 14, 2008 at 12.56

    […] One of the most annoying trademarks of Hollywood blockbusters, at least to me, is the supposedly funny one-liners that the hero typically spurts out in the most improbable situations. Normally used to alleviate tension and to bring lightness where there should be none, the blockbuster funny one-liner dumbs down and cheapens the cinematic experience. I was able to count only one in I am Legend (‘I like Shrek’) which is a major improvement over the number that can be found, for example, in two of Will Smith’s previous Sci-Fi efforts, Independence Day (1996) and I, Robot (2004) or in Michael Bay’s most recent disaster, Transformers (2007). One is also the figure I came up with for the number of really poorly scripted scenes (Bob Marley Sr.), which, again, is quite an achievement for a film this expensive and this heavily marketed. […]

  3. Jarrod Says:
    March 26, 2008 at 8.12

    I thought I was doing you a favour introducing you to Michael. You could have said.

  4. Quiet Please - Film reviews by Eric Mahleb Says:
    June 29, 2008 at 8.09

    […] Transformers […]

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